Exodus
17
Philippians
2
The
Dark Woods look different to each and everyone of us. In my first call after seminary, I took what
I thought was my dream job. My goal in
seminary was to be a youth minister and after graduation I moved to Charlotte,
NC to a large church to join a staff of 5 pastors. I had three large youth programs to oversee,
a large budget, great resources, it was everything that I thought I wanted in
ministry. It didn’t take long for me to
realize this dream job was not so dreamy.
My dark woods included: culture shock, although I had attended college
only 30 miles away, my college campus had a very different culture than what I
was experiencing in this part of Charlotte.
I was also feeling very isolated.
I was hoping to reconnect with college friends in the area, but my
schedule and their schedules were very different. I was working when they were free and vice
versa. I was exhausted: my summer schedule was out of control with
taking youth to various conferences and mission trips. And I was expected to do everything.
I
can laugh about this one know, but at the time it was extremely traumatic. The church had two small buses, 15 seaters,
so I didn’t need a special driver’s license to drive them. Well, I was also given no training on driving
them. Just, here are the keys. That’s it, no instructions nothing. So, after the first time I used the bus, I
was called down to the office- felt kind of like being called to the principal’s
office, and was scolded. I had not
refilled the bus with gas. No one had
told me that I needed to refill the bus with gas. I hadn’t really driven it that far. So, off to the gas station I went, in this
bus that I really couldn’t drive. I
pulled in and this guy had just left his car at the pump. I was told to move the bus and as I tried to
pull around the car, oh, did I mention the car door was open? Well, as I pulled the bus around I took the
car door with me. Well, that was it for
me. The driver of the car came screaming
at me, I quickly gave him my business card and told him to contact the
church. I don’t know if it was my tears
or that he saw Rev. Carie Morgan on my card, but he quickly said: oh, you are a
pastor? In my tears I nodded yes, and he
quickly calmed down and said he would contact the church.
I
was now fully in the Dark Woods, crying out to God, trying to figure out how
following my dream could get me into so much chaos. I was miserable. So, when I hear the stories of the Israelites
in the wilderness, moaning and groaning against Moses and against God, I
totally get it. Sometimes a dream does
not turn out to be the dream we are expecting.
Freedom from Pharaoh is a dream come true, but no the people are filled with
thirst. Out of the Pot and into the
Frying Pan. The grass is always greener
on the other side.
When
we find ourselves in the Dark Woods of our lives, God provides clearings, the author
of the book I am using refers to them as fields. We might call them an oasis in the desert, or
for Moses and the Israelites, moments where water flows forth from a rock. I was able to create small little oasis
throughout my struggles, coffee breaks with a good friend, an escape to the
movies, but these did not really quench my thirst. Something just was not right and I really had
to address my call and how God was talking to me. I ended up having to take a leave of absence
from my job and I spent that time: sewing, learning yoga, and attending a women
in ministry conference at Princeton Seminary.
The timing was perfect, and the conference spoke to me like the burning
bush. I had to let go of what I thought
was my dream of being a youth pastor and face my fear of being a solo pastor.
Why
would I be afraid of being a solo pastor?
Well, for starters, I would have to preach every week. That felt very intimidating to me. I would have to moderate session
meetings. I would have to spend time
with, well adults.
In
the dark wood struggles of life, as we find the clearings, as we find the
fields, the oasis, as we are given water from the rocks, God calls us to
examine our fears. Are there particular things
holding us back? Perhaps holding us back
in a way that inner gifts have not yet even been allowed to surface. Moses was filled with insecurities, he didn’t
want this leadership role, he didn’t want to face Pharaoh, he did his best to
give excuses, but once he realized God was calling him he could no longer say
no. He listened to God and despite all
of his fears and insecurities he trusted that if this was of God, then God
would provide. In his trust, Moses
listened first and only to God, he would not give in to Pharaoh, he would not
give in to protesting Israelites in the wilderness, he trusted and continued to
trust in God through the Dark Woods, through the wilderness, through the lack
of water until God provided. Moses was
able to empty himself of so much of our human baggage, his own insecurities,
his own fear of his survival, Moses had to have been thirsty too, but because he
had already experienced the wonder and sacred presence of God in his life, his
level of trust was solid.
Fear,
trust, chaos, seeking ways to empty ourselves of our insecurities and placing
our lives into God’s loving hands, this is Lent. Jesus, God’s presence here on earth, is God’s
example of self emptying. God empties
God’s very self to enter into our world in human form, to walk among us, to
experience our joys and our fears, our love and our grief, and our stresses and
temptations. Like Moses, Jesus built his
entire ministry around trust in God. No
matter what he was feeling, no matter what burdens others were throwing at him,
he fully trusted in God. As we move
through Lent, we know we are moving towards the cross. Before we arrive to the Easter celebration,
we must face the reality of human cruelty, human sin, and human fear.
Jesus’
obedience to God created fear in others.
Both the religious leaders of the time and the Roman officials feared
him. The writer of Philippians is able
to identify and name this in Jesus. He names
that even though Jesus was divine, he was able to empty himself in order to
take human form, he was able to continue to empty himself in obedience to God,
even to the point of death. Talk about
letting go of fear, most of us would say, I am only willing to go so far, but
death, sorry, I draw the line there. But
we are not called to the same calling as Jesus, his gift of self emptying is a
gift for us, not an expectation that we will do the same. And so, even in death on the cross, the
ultimate emptying, his life given, God overcomes human sin, human fear, human
cruelty. The cross is not the final
word, it is not the victory of the Dark Woods, but rather it is another
clearing, another oasis, another field where we can gain clarity on who we are
and whose we are.
In
the vastness of this universe, God connects with us, here in this place, generation
after generation, before Moses and after Jesus, God gives us spiritual leaders
to meet us in the Dark woods and to guide us into clearings, God teaches us
ways to release our fears and build our trust on our loving creator, and in the
gift of the cross, we are given a message that no matter how awful life can be,
whether it is the random acts of violence filling our morning news, or our own
inner struggles, God is present with us, and gives us the good news that death
is not the final word.
In
my Dark Woods of ministry, I felt dead, I thought I was going to have to let go
of my dream and start all over again.
That Lent might have been the most meaningful Lent of my life. As I sought to redefine myself, and my
calling, the easiest way out was just to quit.
Leave the ministry, and find a way to go back into teaching. But through the oasis, through the clearing,
through facing my fears, and finding a supportive group of female pastors to
spend a week in learning and conversation, prayer and worship, I felt a
rebirth. Lent leads us to Easter and the
greatest gift of our faith is the concept of the resurrection. The resurrection does not have to be after this
life is over, it can happen over and over again on this journey we are upon. God provides water from a rock and God brings
life out of a cross. These are not ways
of this world, but trust in a spiritual provider, a spiritual guide, a
spiritual creator that desires our love our praise and our desire to follow
whole heartedly in the ups and downs of this life. Amen.
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